Why I should be President...

Why I Should Be President…

(a.k.a. A stronger and more kick-ass America awaits us all!)

I don't like Obama.  I don't like Romney.  I hate the Clintons. I liked Ron Paul (well, his ideas, really), but the media blacked him out. I am left with no one to vote for at a time when Americans are really drawing lines and preparing to square off with one another.  Let's not quibble and bicker.  I am not here to argue.  I am here to help you and save America.

These politicians are so out of touch and live with their heads so far up their asses.  It's time America was saved from its course of destruction plotted out by the paltry two-party system that provides us with limp-dick lame-o's like Obama and Romney.  We need a real American that is a devout patriot but not blind to his country's faults.  You need an American that's worked hard and is willing to put it all on the line for America.  You need me, Nick Marvalous, as your next President of the great old United States of America. 

1.  I know Krav Maga

What is Krav Maga?  It's a deadly self-defense created by the Israeli Military that gouges eyes and destroys groins.  There's also a healthy dose of joint-breaking thrown in for good measure. Why is that important for my election platform?  I'm glad you asked and express skepticism.

As part of my foreign policy, I plan to abolish war as we know it.  No more yellow ribbons and flag-draped caskets.  No more protests and civil disaccord. No longer will we suit up our boys and send them into hostile foreign lands unless absolutely necessary.  Nope.  Traditional military action will be my plan "B" or "C". We'll maintain a healthy military just to let the rest of the world know not to piss us off, but I have a better and more honorable idea for settling skirmishes and disputes.  It's my treasured plan "A" and the "A" stands for ASS-WHIPPING.

In case of any foreign conflict, I will challenge any leader, I mean ANY leader, to a one-on-one, cage death match.  Any beefs will be settled with the hands and blood or a teary-eyed tap-out submission. However, I prefer to finish off my opponents with a Dim Mak death blow as a message to the rest of the world.  I will show mercy to those who tap out, but only (and I mean this whole heartedly) after I cripple, maim, and/or blind my opponent as a message to the rest of the world: Don't fuck with America.   

 

You may be thinking, "President Marvalous, what of the country doesn't agree to the fight?  What if they turn it down for more traditional war?"  Easily answered.  I will use the strongest branch of the military: the media.  I will launch an all-out, brutal campaign across the globe doubting said leader's manhood, postulating that he has a vagina and lacks the wherewithal to truly defend his nation's honor.  Perhaps I will use my talents with Photo-shop and pin the leader's head on a Barbie picture or a fat girl in a bikini.  Most men will concede to such attacks on their manhood and will eventually accept the challenge.  And if the leader is a woman, I hold no prejudices.  Sorry ladies, but you wanted equal rights and you'll get it.



Hey, Ahmadinejad.  You're looking like a big, fat lady these days. 
Why don't you accept the challenge, you silky-boy nancy?

My knowledge of and passion for Krav Maga will be an asset to this policy.  It's a dirty style of pugilism and I am turning out to be quite good at it.  In no way am I a master, but I got kick ass instructors that will ensure I do not lose. It also helps that I fought dirty my entire life.  Why stop now, especially in the name of the USA?  Let's reduce the heart-ache faced by thosee who bravely serve our country and let one man cash the checks that his mouth is writing. 

I plan to apply this policy to terrorist groups as well (foreign and domestic).  I will take on any of them, as I feel confident that I can destroy a military insurgent living in the mountains whose life consists of inaudible, angry speeches, burning American flags, and eating gruel

Which of you pansy-ass dignitaries want a piece of me?
Let's do the man dance, punk!



All fights will be broadcast on Pay-per-View, with ALL proceeds to go towards government funding as a means to reduce the taxes on our citizens.  At $49.95 a pop and half the world watching, I am sure we will greatly reduce our national debt in the first 2-3 bouts.



Outside of Teddy Roosevelt, I do not know of any US president that would take it to the octagon in the name of his country's honor. Let's get it on, c'mon!

2.  I will solve the Mexican immigration issue. 

This hotly debated topic will become an antiquated notion that we will all look back on and have a good laugh about.  I will appease the Left and the Right by stopping the illegal flow of foreign denizens while providing rights to the disenfranchised and struggling neighbors south of our border by absorbing Mexico into the United States.

By creating the 51st state, there will no longer be any illegal immigrants because they will be citizens.  You want tithe American dream?  Here it is with a giant red ribbon for you.  

Instantly, amnesty will be granted to those already here while opening the doors wishing to be a part of the USA. No more border runs and concerns about our tax dollars going to non-citizens because we're all a big family now.  There will be benefits, health care, municipal development and wireless internet for all who want it. 

"I don't want to have more Mexicans in the US."  Well, too bad.  They've been here longer than us and we already took part of their land.  Let's share the wealth of America's awesome.  We've thrived on it, knowingly or not, and it's time to share. 

Another major benefit is the acquisition of a new, taxable workforce that has an admirable work ethic.  Allow our neighbors to instill in Americans what it really means to work hard and earn your living.  It will be inspirational.  Plus, the tax revenue will offset all the supposed "handouts" given to our South American compadres. 

As far as the language issue is concerned, I am leaning towards Spanglish being added to the official languages of America.  It's only fair to do when we absorb Mexico.  However,  ENGLISH and SPANISH should be offered courses in all schools so that we can all understand one another, rather than merely repeating what we said in a louder volume hoping they get what we mean.  

In fact, ANY country that wants in, let's do this.  I'm looking at you Philippines, Japan, and Luxembourg. 

You can't have illegal citizens if we make them one of our own. And if you want to be a part of America, then get on board all the way. 

Canada, you're next.

3.  I will give the economy a boost like it was smoking crack...literally.

Let's legalize drugs for export.  We're good at it.  We invented crack.  Let's sell it. We get eh coke from South America and then process it here in factories.  Then we can ship it out to the rest of the world, weakening them in the process and tapping into an underappreciated part of the economy.

Great Britain, beware:
America's new industry is just getting started! 

Think of all the criminals with good minds geared towards bad things.  They'll become leaders in our new economy.  To run a successful criminal empire, you must have some serious business acumen that you will never learn from an MBA program.  These guys will run tight ships, keeping their companies in the black. Plus, I know they will not take any shit from foreign competitors.  Crime will go down, money will influx, and America will prosper.

If we all decide to legalize drugs, we should at least offer first dibs on the people who kept the industry running before it became legal.  Two-Chin Tony should have an opportunity to flex his criminal know-how for good before Apple or Starbucks come out with their own brand of weed.  Let's keep it fair for the working man.  Their business model is sound and proven, unlike most other industries. 

We are good at crime, particularly the drug business.  Let's harness that power. Let's put it to work for the good old Red, White and Blue. 

4. Free Speech, with a price. 

You can say what you want in my vision of America, but don' be surprised when someone punches you dead in the mouth. 

Let's be honest: we've grown complacent and unappreciative of our free speech rights.  In fact, many folks are willing to sacrifice it for the sake of "unity" and "political correctness".  Fuck that.  There's a reason our founding fathers put it first.  Let's keep it that way, but teach responsibility in the process.

You can say what you like about whoever or whatever, but you will have to defend it.  If you think America sucks and you want to burn a flag in protest, go for it.  It's your right.  But if an old war veteran sees you and decides to kick the shit out of you for it, be ready to defend that right, son.  Earn your right.  Know what free speech really means and the responsibility that goes along with it. 

The same rule will apply during election time. In fact, I will really encourage this practice.  Slander will drop and honesty will thrive.  If not, we'll at least get to see some really exciting debates for once.  

5.  Changing of "The Star Spangled Banner"

We're not going to eliminate it completely, but I do have some problems with it.

Really, I can't stand the way people sing it.  Most of them are stretching their "talent" and it sounds like two-cats fucking on top of a washing machine. It's embarrassing

And why should we relegate ourselves to just one anthem?  America has so many great songs, we need to show that diversity and spruce it up. Here are my suggestions:

Jimi Hendrix's version of "The Star Spangled Banner" is awesome.  Aside from eliminating the lyrics, he gives it a true, patriotic feel.  We gave the world rock n' roll, so why not honor that by instituting a version of the anthem that kicks ass.  Jimi Hendrix is a black American that became a cultural and world icon.  Let’s promote that. If I were at a baseball game and heard his version while seeing an American flag waving in the breeze as a bald eagle soared overhead, I would cry.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMhq1L0cJf0

"I am a Real American" by Rick Derringer is another logical addition to the anthem addendum.  Maybe it’s the little Hulkamaniac that still running wild deep inside me, but if you really listen to the song and it's lyrics, it's all about the best virtues of being American, serving a s a reminder why we are so awesome as a nation and how we must continue to live up to these standards, instead of being fat, lazy putzes looking for handouts.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZQwKVspiMA

"Ray Charles' "America, The Beautiful", as sung for the Super bowl, is one of the most beautiful renditions of any American-themed song I have ever heard. It's classy and soulful, like America should be.  If you don't like this version, you're a dick and a communist. Beat it, pink scum.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xk1P1913y0

As a last addition to this change, the group chanting of "U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! " will be encouraged AFTER the selected song is played.  In some parts of the country, the chant may substitute for any playing of the national anthem, being that some people are mystified by words and music.  Thus, in order to include all Americans, the chant will suffice.

And no fucking hats worn during the pledge or song.  Get with it, you hipster douche bags.  You live under the freedoms of this country; the least you could do is take off your hat in respect.

6. Introduction of the "Douche Tax"

If you're going to be a douche bag, then pay the price.  Have you mooched off your friends without paying them back in a timely manner?  Douche tax.  Steal somebody's husband because you're a lonely whore with no self-esteem?  Douche Tax.  Get caught driving to the last possible entry point for an off ramp in the efforts to cut everyone off who was patiently waiting their turn?  Douche Tax. Play shitty music on your I-phone and annoy people on the street?  DOUBLE Douche Tax (plus you get your phone tossed into traffic). 

 All infractions will be ticketed at the discretion of citizens. You will be allowed only 5 tickets a year to give out (no stockpiling or trading them.  You don't use them by December 31st, you're assed out). Each ticket will be heard before an impartial judge who will rule in favor or against and levy the appropriate tax if necessary.  We're really a great country.  Let's start acting like it.

7. Real tax breaks

Let's award Americans for their hard work and contributions.  Things like "The Family Sunday Dinner" tax break and the "Perfect Work Attendance" credit will really help push us into a better paradigm of thought.  Books should be tax free and if you get someone else to read one, that's a tax credit for you.  You don't let your kids play video games while at the dinner table or you call your mom 3 times a week?  You deserve a fiscal relief!  Grow an amazing moustache?  You get a break!

Let's encourage and reward awesomeness.  

8. Rock/Rap Music Tariffs

We invented this stuff.  It came from America.  It's time we start collecting on it.

Any country that tries to emulate any form of these two pioneering and groundbreaking music genres must offer 50% of their earnings to us (England, you will get a pass on the Rock n' Roll tariff for your awesome contributions, but not on the rap tax...).  All proceeds and revenue will go towards music programs across the nation that will focus on real music history (not the Euro-trash Beethoven crap) and show kids how to make music that will stand the test of time.  Hopefully, this will reduce the amount of Lil' Waynes, and Matchbox 20 garbage we've seen in recent years. Unless it absolutely rocks, you must pay.

Aside from the promised revenue and artisitic benefits provided to our children, we will see a sharp decline in crap music being produced across the globe.  It's a win-win for the world!  

9. Doing away with the Electoral College

It's stupid, it sucks and no one can clearly explain how it works.  One person, one vote, country-wide. No one will care except for the corrupt politicians who we're going to kill off anyway.  Make it happen. 

In conclusion...

My ideas are radical, but tell me they don't work.  America will be a respectable, honorable giant, brimming with cash and opportunity.  Peace will reign and citizens will prosper. The rest of the planet will take notice and follow suit.

Hopefully, you'll d the right thing this November and ignore the bullshit candidates and their pointless rhetoric.  Perhaps the true American trapped inside of you will break free as you take your ballot and write down "Nick Marvalous" as your candidate.  Future generations will thank you for it.

I'm Nick Marvalous, and I approve this message...