Fast and Furious 6: Greater for reasons beyond your comprehension

"Fast and Furious 6:  
Greater for reasons beyond your comprehension"
A deeper perspective of a fun and shallow film...

********ALERT!  Spoilers abound.*********

Alright, alright, I may be a little late to see the first blockbuster of Summer 2013.  I do enjoy some mindless, popcorn cinema for the sake of entertainment and and escapism.  I just can't stand the crowds of opening week.  I'm getting old and ornery...but not too much where I cannot sit for 2+ hours and watch shit blow up, cars race across the screen, bad dialogue get spoken, and silliness ensue.

It was with that in mind that I headed to an early showing at my local mega-multiplex cinema to view this year's insanely successful Fast and Furious 6.  I won't go into the complex plot details of how a retired crew of thieves, who use cars as their professional tools of the trade, get roped back in to do "one more job"   
 
I knew what I was getting into. I didn't expect more than what the posters and advertisements offered me. I figured I would enjoy it.  However, I did not know how the depth at which this movie would go to please my twisted mind.  Here are my reasons: 

1. Fuck Physics


Apparently, Justin Lin hates science. 

And I don't blame him.  Too many of us let concepts like "gravity" and "velocity" and "impact" ruin a good time. But not Justin Lin. He must have hated his physics teacher with a passion and wanted to deliver a big "Fuck You" painted on top of a 30ft middle finger, whereas most of us would have settled for a crank call or a flaming bag of poop.

Cars ignore the rules of inertia and hug the curves like they were part of the road.  You've seen the tank in the trailers.  Yeah.  A tank rolling at 80+ mph, shooting shells at moving targets, deftly navigating through traffic.  I buy that.  Apparently the military own such hardware for the purpose of tearing ass around the barracks and not for war. And the "crew" try to stop it with a fleet of foreign roadsters and one American muscle car.  Brilliant thinking.

During the tank chase, Tyrese flies out of his, just before it's crushed, and safely lands in the ride of one of his compadres. Then, they decide to use this crushed car to drag a tank off of a bridge.  Vin Diesel tries ramming it over the rail so that it will dangle over the bridge and drag the tank to its doom.  A 5000lb car vs a 5 ton tank?  Sure.  Let's do it.  Let's try raping the wolf-man on a full-moon eclipse while we're at it.



And it gets better.  Vin Diesel surfs the roof of his car in order to catch Michelle Rodriguez in mid-air (whilst lingering over the ocean 200 feet below) and land in the oncoming lane, breaking his fall by landing on the hood of another car, bracing his impact on the soft cracking of a windshield.

The Rock also defies gravity, but that's okay because he's The Rock.  He can jump on top of any moving car at any speed from any height safely.  Fuck Superman, while we're at it.

OK, I know I may seem a bit sarcastic with some of my descriptions, but in all honesty, I am in awe of this movie's flippant disregard for all scientific principles. This film is the equivalent of shitting on Isaac Newton's chest.  And it is glorious to behold.
 

2. Setting back advancements of the civil rights movement and cultural sensitivity 

Tyrese, you are a new Step n' Fetchitt for the millenium. Be amazed as he shucks and jives across the screen, looking for some spare change or a hand-out.  His comedic relief comes at the expense of his ignorance of anything not related to cars or women. When we first meet him, he is on a private jet with 4 sluts that he is taking to Macau in order to bang them.  As if a hot-sheet motel wasn't good enough.  Nope, he's got stereotypical Black-man style, right down to the gaudy airplane that has "It's Roman, bitch" written on it's side.  Pure class.

What you mean there's no more grape soda, son? I keeps it real.

He's tries bumming some chips off the Asian guy and then tries copping some change off of Ludacris because Tyrese is too goddamn cheap to use his own money for the vending machine.  When The Rock shoots it open, Tyrese shucks his way over for his free hand-outs, which he is shown enjoying again later in the film, you know, just to remind you that even if you're a millionaire, it's cool to still be ghetto.  I smell an NAACP award in the mix...

Don't worry, Ludacris.  I ain't forget you.  How could I miss the scene when you're in Puerto Rico or whatever and you make it rain through the ATM? Everyone knows that a black man is not successful unless he can shower entire crowds with his excess cash flow. At least you were the gadget/scientist member of the crew.

Latinos fare no better.  In the one prison scene, a former drug cartel leader (from part 4) finds his way to Paul Walker's cell, armed with 3 cronies and shivs.  Just in case you forgot that all Latino's like blades and outnumbering their victims.  Hold up, before he attacks Walker, the drug dealer (which seems to be the vocation of choice for Mexicans) explains how he was too narrow-minded with his criminal aspirations until the British villain taught him to go global.  So he's violent and admits to being stupid.

What good is all this without the obligatory racist White guy that gets made into a fool?  Just in case any readers of color didn't know, we White folk are all racist and look down upon any person of color as "kitchen help"  And the only way to rectify this situation and make up for all the injustice is to strip White folks naked and humiliate them.

It's nice to know that stereotypes still exist and that they can be exploited without protest as long as you got a bumpin' soundtrack with street cred.


3.  Gina Carano

Legit fighting phenom Gina Carano takes a spin as a DSS agent with the skills to match her attitude. I'll keep this short, as not to seem obsessed with her, but it was a real joy to see practical fighting tactics and maneuvers used in a fight scene rather than that Hollywood bullshit that would result in a fighter getting knocked out in the real world. 

Alright, it doesn't hurt that she's easy on the eyes, either...chicks that look good and can fight are hot on a whole other level.


4.  Women from the fantasy world of "Awesome"

Women who inhabit this world are from another dimension, one where they worship their men and their unflushed floaters they leave behind.

Remember that cute Brazillian chick Vin Diesel hooks up with at the end of part 5?  Yeah, he's still with her, getting his smash on with her in some Canary Island paradise.  But when The Rock shows up with a picture of Diesel's old girlfriend (Michelle Rodriguez), Diesel is compelled to join The Rock and his mission.

After we make the sex, you go find old girlfriend, ok?

And what does the Brazilian have to say about this?  She encourages him to seek to seek out his old girlfriend.  Clearly she knows he has feelings for his ex, but she's okay with that.  What's the worst that could happen, coffee and reflections upon memories past?  No.  It's obvious Diesel got bumping uglies on his mind and ain't afraid to show it.

On what fucking planet is this possible?  Gentlemen, imagine your current lady telling you to go find your ex so you can "hash things out".  Go ask her.  See how fast she gets pissed or tries to smash your genitals.  Ladies, can you see yourselves telling your man to do that?  No?  Well, according to this flick, maybe you need to reconsider...

Next example: Paul Walker is still with Vin Diesel's sister, Jordana Brewster.  They now have a kid.  Just after the child is born, Diesel shows up to ask Walker to go a mission.  Brewster chimes in and encourages the new dad to join her delinquent brother on The Rock's mission because it will "make the two of you stronger.'  Fuck fatherhood and responsibility.  To hell with sharing the screaming baby duty (of which this baby does not cry, even when armed thugs are chasing after him).  Go run off to a foreign land and drive cars like a crackhead en route to an all you can smoke buffet.  Is this what fatherhood is like?  Sign me up.

If you think you're just going to run off with my hoodlum brother and leave me with the baby, the screaming, the piles of diaper shit, and the puree carrot vomit, well, you're right.  Have fun.  But let's have sex first.

Sung Kang is still with that French chick.  And she kills herself trying to save him.  She leaps off of a car that is dangling in the air by a cable attached to an airplane in an attempt to shoot a henchman about to kill her man.  I say attempt because she fucking misses and falls to her death.  Bravo, madame.  You may be a horrible shot, but your sacrifice is noble and appreciated.

Please show us to the men so that we may worship them.

So Michelle Rodriguez lost her memory when her death was faked.  But she still manages to fall in love with Vin Diesel all over again in the matter of 12 hours. How?  Why? Because he drives really well at high speeds.  Thus, she abandons her criminal enterprise run by a ruthless ex-commando.  She puts her life on the line to join the side of a man who beat her in an illegal street race.  Is getting chicks really that easy?

Then at the end, Michelle Rodriguez and the Brazilian chick meet up and discuss how awesome Vin Diesiel is.  No hair pulling or "Bitch, you took my man".  Nope.  The Brazilian chick encourages Rodriguez to take care Diesel.   Pardon my cultural insensitivity, but two Latina women being cool with a man-swap between them?  Obviously this is not the Bronx. Then, as Diesel bids adieu to the Brazilian, he asks her to stay, because, why the fuck not when you got balls the size .  And she POLITELY declines. 


This universe is truly an awesome place to live, a man's paradise.  Your current woman will encourage you to find an old flame so you two can "talk".   She'll also happily take on all parental responsibilities.  Then, if your lady doesn't leap to her death in an effort to save you, she'll have a civil discourse with your ex about how awesome you are and how lucky she is.


5. Vin Diesel's pumpkin head

Thank you, Lord, for the unintended comedy that arrived in the form of Vin Diesel's misshapen head. I'm not knocking the dude out of jealousy and because girls find him attractive (or at least used to).  I'm just wondering what happened to his dome.  You ever leave a Milk Dud or Raisinette in your car for a few months?  Yeah, that's the shape and condition it's in.

Of course you wore the skirt in public to draw away attention from that.

6.  America: Violent and just don't give a fuck...except for family and God

The Americans invade Europe, once again, and sashay through London whilst swinging their dicks in all directions.   They smash everything in their path and laugh about it.  I am pretty proud of this accurate portrayal.

But it is balanced out with the notion of family.  It is the code of Diesel's character and a running motif throughout the film.  The antagonist has a quasi-philosophical discourse with Diesel about their differences and how family makes people weak.  Plus, the whole plot of regaining Michelle Rodriguez into the fold is all about "family".  We Americans may break shit, but we're a loyal lot. 

Americans also have God.  Remember the scene I mentioned above where Diesel saves Rodriguez?  She asks him how he knew and the response was "faith".  There's also the huge Jesus-pievce he wears that is none too subtle and has some plot importance.  Lastly, at the car-thief dinner, they make a point to say grace.

America:  we're criminals, we're destructive, we're loyal, we're faithful. At least we're not French.


7. One of the greatest sexually symbolic innuendos of all time

Phallic symbols are no stranger to the action film genre.  Guns, swords, knives, bats, cars, cannons, and any other bad ass accessory represent the male schlong (as if there is a female one...).  And most action films are a drawn-out pissing contest between Alpha-males banging on their chests for pack supremacy (until the bro-mance blossoms).

And the action sequences tend to play up to masculinity and the fantasy of dominance.  But Justin Lin has outdone the entire film industry.  It doesn't get more grandiose or blatant than this...

In the final sequence, the bad guys are escaping via a military cargo plane.  Fights, death, yada yada yada...the plane's about to blow up.  Everyone is safely outside of the burning fuselage except Vin Diesel.  He's trapped inside with several cars as the plane is burning to it's fiery demise along the runway (which must be 100 miles long for the 15 minute car chase to take place...but I digress).

We know he's going to escape.  You're not an idiot, even if you think this movie is "mad realistic, yo".  And it's going to involve a car.  But how?  And to what gaudy extent?

Through the cockpit.  I'm not reading into this.  You're just not seeing the obvious.  The plane is an elongated tub, much like the shaft of a dick.  The two engines are round objects on both sides of the shaft, much like the beloved testicles.  And what does that make Vin Diesel?  Justin Lin's baby batter love juice splashing all over the faces and eyes of movie goers this summer.  Pure Bukkake brilliance.

This is where kick-ass babies come from

I like this image below with the CGI outline.This should help fortify my rock hard position regard the symbolism of cock.

Clearly there is a urethra involved.

Justin Lin, I want to thank you for your subtle brilliance.  I doubt many other people will put forth this much needless effort into analyzing your film, but I was pleasantly surprised by your dubious craftiness. 

I'd like to say that I hate physics, women, and political correctness.

If you've seen this movie, think about what I said.  Because I'm right.  You know I am. 

And if you haven't seen this movie yet (or don't plan to), I hope I spoiled everything.  Because you're an idiot.  What clever plot twists did you expect from such a film?  Moron.

'Murica!